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Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Vikings Article from Purple Jesus Diaries

Here is an article from The Purple Jesus Diaries Blog,, a blog I follow regularly.

Childress Refuses to Look Ahead of Schedule, Players Refuse to Listen to Stupid Advice

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Coming back home from their 38-10 victory over the hapless Saint Louis Rams, Minnesota Vikings Coach Brad Childress stressed the importance of the team not getting ahead of themselves.


“I tell them this every day” said the coach while eating gluten free trail mix on the plane ride back. “I say to them, ‘Fellas, don’t get too cocky. We’ve got a long road ahead of us still and as fortunate as we have been, we could just as easily be 4-1, or 0-5 for that matter, and we could still end up going 5-11. We have to keep working hard, taking each week as it’s own, and we’ll continue to do well.’ I preach that. Every day. The veterans understand it as well and are helping me spread this message to our young guys that need to learn this fact real quick. Ask any of them what my feelings on this are and they’ll tell you the exact same thing.”

When sharing these sentiments with some of the veteran players first, the responses were not quite “the exact same thing.”


“Well, sure, we could be 0-5 on one hand” said veteran Antoine Winfield. “But then we’d be a bunch of cock sucking zombie rapists playing football, and I don’t think that’s the case here, do you?”


Harsh, but factual. While there aren’t any rapists that are also zombies currently on the team – not that this does not exclude simple rapists – there are veterans that laugh when hearing what Childress has to say about the team looking ahead, like defensive tackle Pat Williams. “Coach said dat?” Williams said between helpings of pig feet. “He’s always playin’ wid us. Dat’s de raple dumbest doodad I’ve eva’ heard, man. ‘S coo’, bro. No way in hell we go 0-5. At dis point, no way in hell we go 5-11 eider. Ah be baaad… Ha! Right on! Dat shit be hilarious man. ‘S coo’, bro. I’m already lookin’ monds ahaid on our schedule. ah’ know every raple team I’m goin’ t’blow down already. Slap mah fro! If we lose eleven straight out uh whut I’m seein’ ahaid uh us, some sucka burn mah’ crib t’de ground cuz’ ya’ could call us de wo’st team since da damn Lions.”

While Childress’ notion that the team has been fortunate appeared laughable to some of the older players, several of the younger players seemed to relate more to the Coaches idea of taking each game a week at a time. But in the case of rookie players like Phil Loadholt and Percy Harvin, it wasn’t because they were focused and dedicated on the upcoming week. Rather, it was because they were too wide-eyed and excited to even know what was going on.


“Yeah, uh, it’s pretty neat to be unbeaten,” Harvin stated between ibuprofen intakes. “You come directly from a winning college program in, uh Florida, and you get to play with, uh, one great quarterback in Tebow to another, uh, god like quarterback in Favre, and before you know it I JUST START LOSING MY FUCKING MIND BECAUSE WE ARE 5-0 AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON, WHO WE’VE PLAYED, WHO WE’RE GOING TO BE PLAYING, OR WHERE MY COCK IS EVEN AT IT’S JUST FUCKING INSANE! But it’s also a pretty neat experience, uh, overall, too. The NFL man, it’s crazy.”

Rookie tackle Phil Loadholt was equally as lost in the quick 5-0 start. “Phil Loadholt has had five weeks of pro career already pass Phil Loadholt?” He asked between bites of a live lamb in his sequestered steel cage in the back of the plane. “Phil Loadholt seems to be losing memory in Phil Loadholt’s older age. Phil Loadholt knows Phil Loadholt did not play this past Sunday … But Phil Loadholt remembers win. Phil Loadholt still has to play though? Next week too? What about the week after? When can Phil Loadholt go back to eating Mark Sanchez face off? Phil Loadholt want to just eat and sleep. Phil Loadholt no care about playing more, even though Coach wants us to focus hard. Phil Loadholt focus on next meal, and next meal only.”

Amid these range of emotions concerning how to view the team, the season thus far and thinking too much ahead or behind them selves, there is one calm figure amongst the chaos. Purple Jesus smirks during his meditation as he hears his teammate’s comments on his Coaches beliefs around him. He understands the wisdom of what Childress has said, but also recognizes the absurdity of it all.


“Why yes, it is best for this team and this group of players to remain focused” Purple Jesus said between calculated breaths. “But they need not worry. I am here to protect them, and this team, from desecration. I have always given them my word that I will lead them to the Promised Land.” But how much longer does the team, and do the fans, have to wait to get to that location? After a 5-0 start, despite Coach Childress’ proclamation of patience and steadfastness, how can fans lower their expectations?

“The Promised Land is not a destination, my friend,” Purple Jesus espoused before leaning his head back. “It is a journey. Enjoy this angelic ride. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to use my magical Jesus powers to see Jessica Biel naked in my head, ok? Thanks.”

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